BATMAN! A silly little comedy.

“There is a robbery going on sir, at the Gotham National Bank.”

“It's Friday night Alfred. I can't.”

“Sir, I think that the criminals of Gotham have figured out that you have converted your religion.”

“I know...”

It had been like this for a couple of months now. I've been trying to impress Selena, although, I'm pretty sure that she's been out cat-burgling the city as well. It's not easy, but my Mom and Dad would have wanted me to be happy right?

“Sir, to be frank, this is the same kind of stuff you pulled when you were with Vicky Vale.”

“She wasn't Jewish, Alfred.”

“No, but there was the time that she bought you that Christmas sweater and made you wear it over top your suit. On Christmas Day.”

“At least she let me go out and fight crime.”

“Not exactly striking fear into the hearts of criminals, were you sir?”

“Yes.”

“And I do believe that as a result, that day, the Joker, did, in fact. Get away.”

“Your point.”

“Two Face is not Jewish, sir.”

I always hated when Alfred would guilt me about the women that I dated. It was almost as if he didn't want me to be happy, like he wanted me all to himself. Come to think of it, he made me fire Robin as well. And he was nowhere to be found when Jason was getting himself killed...

“If Robin were here, he would have been able to handle it.”

“You know that Dick had to leave and become his own man.”

“I still don't understand how he's such an effective crime fighter without you in his life.”

“I'm sure that you're more effective than he is.”

“Yeah, but, I mean, he get's around just as easily as I do, but he doesn't have half of the stuff that you make me use...”

“Are you implying that you have too many toys Master Bruce.”

“It's Batman on this line, Alfred.”

“Oh yes sir, quite right.”

“And no, I'm not saying I have too many toys. It's just...”

“Yes Master Batman?”

“Well, you call me Master Bruce, right?”

“Yes?”

“Well, it's just that I'm forty five years old, and well, you're supposed to stop being called a Master, when you're twelve.”

“Yes sir, quite right.”

“Hold on, I have another call.”

I looked at my Bat-iPhone. It was Selena.

“Hey babe.”

“Hi honey, you know, you're not supposed to be on the phone tonight right?”

“Well, what are you doing calling me?”

“Oh just making sure that you aren't out fighting crime. KABOOOOM”

“Was, was that an explosion?!”

“No...”

“Are YOU robbing Gotham National Bank?”

“Listen honey, I promise not to kill two parents with there kid on the way home okay?”

“Selena!”

“Kidding! Come on honey, I'll buy you another jet for your bat boat or whatever.”

“I'm a billionaire! I don't need your money, and it's not your money.”

“I'm sure the bank is insured.”

“I own the insurance company!”

“Ooooh, so what you're saying is that it's okay for me to rob banks that your company hasn't insured?”

“No!”

“So you're saying that you don't really want to save Gotham from crime, you just don't want to have to pay out the money I'm stealing.”

“No!”

“Well then what is it? Why are you always trying to control me?”

“BEEP, oh I gotta another call, might be Alfred.”

“You just said BEEP into the phone don't you dare han---”

It was all I could take, taking these Friday nights had really given me some time to think, after I caught up on some sleep. I've really figured some things out.

Like, who knew that my parents always took that back alley when they went to the theatre? Alfred.

Who always wants me to tell my girlfriends right away that I'm Batman, so that they'll run away? Alfred.

I'm not even sure that I wanted to fight crime. But everyday growing up, Alfred would play me that video of my parents dying and....

Where did he get that video.

I think Alfred hired Joe Chill to kill my parents.

Wow. That makes a lot more sense to me now...

Also, I think Selena is cheating on me with Two Face, I mean, you can't blame him, his name is Two Face...

Really I just want to eat pork again. Screw it. I'm going to suit up.

“Nananananananana MEEEE”

I think maybe Alfred has kept me a child for the past thirty three years. Still, I just can't get dressed in the suit without signing that.

“Alfred Pennyworth. You have failed this city.”

“Green Arrow?”

“I think it's just Arrow now.”

“Master Bruce, isn't that what he says?”

“Yeah, but, I said it first like, to that guy with the funny moustache.”

“Still though, sir.”

“You killed my parents Alfred. And you've been mollycoddling me for thirty three years now. It's time that I use this money to actually save the city, instead of running around pretending to be giant bat.”

“But you look so adorable in your cute bat suit, sir.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Are you going to stop crime now, sir?”

“Yeah I guess.”

“Good boy.”

“I'll have a glass of warm milk waiting for you when you get home.”

“Thanks Alfred. Love you! Bye!”

“That's my boy.”

I creep through the darkness of the streets of Gotham, beating people up, because I can. Because the city needs me. Because, I own most of this city. It's my home. With my trusty partner Alfred, I prowl the alleys and prevent all crimes from common mischief, to murders in the street. And I have a really cool plane, and a boat, and a car, and a motorcycle, and a helicopter, and a nifty belt that carries everything I need, it has a Pez dispenser with my face on it. And I have spray stuff, and cool batterangs, and grappling gun. And....well...

I'M BATMAN.